“Daddy, what is having sex?” Your 6-year-old daughter, seated right across the dining table unblinkingly shoots the question. Ooh no, not again! You dread talking about sex with your kids. Jumping off a plane would be less nerve-wracking.
You almost spit out the hot coffee you have just gulped in panic. So you are forced to swallow it instead. The burns sting right from the tongue, down the throat, to your core.
You can’t help to catch the embarrassing chuckles and giggles from your teen son seated right next to you.
You would have loved to give him that condescending ‘mind your manners’ look, but hot coffee burns have rendered your eyes wet. You can feel your jugular throbbing on your neck, as you clench your fists hard as you try to fight the pain.
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The only calming thing at the moment is the long hissing fart you involuntarily release.
You let out a wounded cough, as you scramble for that napkin because your nose is dripping as well.
“Daddy, are you okay?” Your daughter asks in a concerned tone.
“I’m okay Ivy,” you respond in a hoarse voice. You clear your throat and go on, “I think I’ve just chocked on coffee.”
Ivy waits a moment or two and then adds, “You haven’t answered my question yet.” You know she’s an intelligent girl, so stalling will not throw her off from the scent.
Lately, she has been bombarding you with questions. You are always happy to answer them, apart from having that sex talk with her.
So when the questions get a bit out of hand, you typically say, “Go ask your mommy.”
Not this time around though; the other day, your wife categorically said that you need to learn how to talk to your kids about sex.
Come to think of it, the only sex education you’ve ever had in your life, was some scare videos that were shown to you back in high school. The images are still ingrained in your mind.
They showed rotting male and female genitalia with extreme STI’s that made your stomach turn. You currently suspect the images might have been altered to make them as gruesome as possible to pacify the excited teen hormones.
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To buy time, you ask her, “Where did you hear about sex?” “In school,” she responds. “Some kids were talking about it.”
Sex, is…aah…sex is… ummm…. you stammer on.
The moment is saved as your wife comes to the table. “You guys are bad; you started breakfast without me.” “Are you okay,” She adds, “You look like you have swallowed a bee?”
“It is because, Ivy has asked dad, what having sex means,” Your son interjects with a million-dollar smile beaming on his face.
“And what did he have to say about that?” “He was about to answer,” Ivy responds.
“Your mom knows these things better than I do.” You quickly say in a bid to avoid answering the question.
“Well, since your dad says I am the only genius in this home who knows about sex…” The sarcasm in her voice is quite evident. However, what gets you staring at your coffee mug blankly with your hands tucked between your legs is the look she gives you that says you need to get your sh*t together!
“Sex is something a husband and wife do when they want to have a baby.” She confidently says.
Looking dumbfounded Ivy asks, “So do how do women who do not have husbands get babies?”
That caught her off guard. “Women who don’t have a husband find a man who is not their husband to have a baby.” Your wife adds.
“So that means that dad can have a baby with another woman?” Ivy asks.
“Yes, I mean no…” She responds in panic.
Your wife seems to have run out of words or breath or both. She gives you those puppy eyes to come to her rescue, but you were not about to be drawn into this blood bath!
“Oh! I’m getting late for work,” You are quick to excuse yourself. As you walk out, it feels like you’ve just walked over of landmines.
Worry not though; you no longer have to suffer those heart-in-mouth moments when you need to have the talk about sex with your child.
Learn how to talk to your child about sex like a pro!